LONDON, U.K. -- Let’s call it Boris Johnson’s provisional, conditional, qualified, tentative, uncertain, hesitant “de-lockdown” plan.

Or as one of the British tabloids put it this morning: “It’s all Greek to us Boris.”

One thing is absolutely clear: The ban on sunbathing has been lifted.

Thirty million viewers watched the British prime minister’s address to the nation last night. Consensus: it was a bit of mash-up. 

“Smart suit, brushed hair,” . “It was just Boris Johnson’s speech that was a mess.”

The prime minister announced that anybody who couldn’t work from home should go back to work this morning -- avoiding public transit, if possible.

He really meant to say “…should go back to work as of Wednesday,” but somehow that bit got left out of his announcement.

Maybe the country needs to show a little patience here. The man is still recovering from his brush with coronavirus death and becoming a father two weeks later.

Or maybe not.

“Chaos,” screamed another tabloid. Then again, tabloids always scream. 

As of this week, the British can exercise outdoors as much as they want -- keeping their distance of course. They can play tennis with a member of their own household. They can go to a beach and swim.

They can’t go for a haircut, and this really bugs a lot of people.

I know women who are getting special shipments of colour so they can administer to flowering roots. I know men who are self-mutilating runaway hairlines.

I know one woman who is adamantly refusing -- no fool, she -- to help a vain man with a little trim. He’s getting desperate.

The government is also going to start allowing “limited contact” between families, yet this too seemed fraught with confusion.

Yes, said the foreign secretary, Dominic Raab, you could meet with your mother in a park -- say, in the morning -- as long as you kept a safe distance apart.

Could you then meet with your father in the same park, in the afternoon?

Yes, said the foreign secretary, that would be OK too.

What about meeting both parents at the same time?

Well, said the flexible Mr. Raab, that too would be fine, provided you kept two metres apart.

“Confused and divided,” declared The Guardian.

Along with his de-lockdown baby steps, Boris Johnson has come up with a new coronavirus slogan -- this is a prime minister who loves catchy slogans.

For weeks we’ve been told, “Stay at home. Save lives.”

The new slogan, introduced to widespread disapproval, even mockery, is: “Stay alert. Control the virus.”

Question: How do you control the virus?

Scotland and Wales both announced they’re sticking with “Stay at Home,” in defiance of the prime minister. In other words: Exercise all you want, England, just don’t come here to do it.

Or sunbathe.